Final Fantasy Tictacs
by Mega Mario
Summary: The game was not telling the truth! THIS is how the Lion War REALLY went. Rated for drug references, and strategic use of the word 'fork'.
1. The Beginning,,, NOT,

**A.N.: I don't own FFT. I guess I own the generic units, though. I will NOT do a disclaimer again in this fic. Saying it once is enough.**

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_FINAL FANTASY TICTACS_

_CH.1 The Beginning... NOT._

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Scotland. I think. Maybe Ireland. All I know is that there are millions of bagpipes playing in the background. The camera zooms through various forests to the ruins of some town. A knight, three archers, and a chemist are riding to nowhere in particular on these big yellow chickens called chocobos. They run all over the place, dodging flying Japanese names and running over the surface of a river. Eventually, they come to a forest, where the knight hits his head on a tree and falls off his chocobo. He grabs one of its tail feathers and is dragged around. The chocobos stop infront of a building. When the knight's chocobo stops, the knight goes flying over it and hits the door on the building, face first.

Inside the building, known as Orbonne Monastery, there is a girl praying in front of a statue. Behind her are a bald old man with a two-foot beard and a female knight with a four-foot braid. The praying girl was apparently in the middle of a conversation with whatever deity she was praying to.

"And you know what I said then? I said..." She droned as if she was talking to a close friend rather than a divine being.

The female knight, having had to stand there and listen to that for hours on end, spoke, finally fed up with it.

"Princess Ovelia, let's go."

The girl, who was apparently a princess and apparently named Ovelia, replied, "Be patient Agrias. Can't I have a conversation in peace?"

The knight, who was apparently named Agrias, suddenly lost her temper. "I HAVE BEEN PATIENT! YOU'VE BEEN CHATTING UP GOD FOR TWELVE HOURS!"

"No I haven't. You're exagerating."

The old man, who will be known as Simon from now on, said, "No she isn't. You really have been talking nonstop for half a day. We can't leave the room for some reason until you're done, so can you please hurry it up? Judge Gabranth is coming on in half an hour."

Ovelia surrendered. "FIIIIIIINE. Just gimme five more minutes, okay?"

The double doors behind Agrias and Simon were suddenly swung open forcefully. An old, mustacioed man wearing armor and two young men, looking to be in their late teens, entered the room.

"What's taking so forking long? It's been nearly an hour!" The old man boomed.

"Well, I've been standing in this room for twelve hours with nowhere to sit and nothing to entertain myself!" Agrias retorted. "You have no room to complain, Gafgarion!"

The old man, named Gafgarion, waved her off, "Whatever, I have no obligation to show respect to you! Which doesn't really make sense considering you're the one signing my paycheck."

Agrias lost her temper again. She seems to do that a lot. "OH B****! IT'S ON NOW!"

Agrias proceeded to pimpslap Gafgarion, then punch him in the stomach, and knee him in the face. She then took a chair, broke one of the legs off, and shoved it in a place I can't mention for the sake of keeping this story at a T rating.

One of the teenage boys, who will be called Rad just because, laughed, "Dude, you got your arse kicked by a girl!"

"I'm not just a girl, I'M AGRIAS OAKS, B****!" She said, as if that made her special or something.

Ovelia then stood, "Enough, let's go."

Everyone cheered. Regardless of how long they've been waiting, all of them were quite ready to move on with their lives. Their celebration was cut short when a female knight (not Agrias, a different female knight) entered the room and dropped dead. Gafgarion, who had somehow quickly recovered from his beating briefly observed her corpse. She was riddled with arrows and bore a few sword wounds. She was also missing an arm and had a "kick me" sign taped to her back.

"Someone forked her up real good," he stated plainly, as if this was a normal occurence for him.

"FINALLY SOME ACTION!" Agrias yelled as she bolted out the door.

"What one must do to make money." Gafgarion sighed, then he looked over to the teenager who hadn't been named yet. "What, Ramza, you have a problem too?"

Ramza stared at Gafgarion, whose name will be shortened to Gaffy for the rest of the chapter because I'm tired of typing it out, then replied, "I didn't say anything."

There was a brief moment of silence.

"...OBVIOUSLY!" Gaffy screamed before sprinting after Agrias, with Ramza and Rad following him.

Ovelia, apparently realizing the incompetence of her bodyguards, simply mumbled, "Oh God..."

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The scene cuts to outside, with Agrias and two more female knights, who will be called Alicia and Lavian because I'm tired of playing dumb about names, were facing off against the guys from the first paragraph.

Agrias gasped, "The crest of the Black Lion? Is Goltana living up to his name again?*"

The knight, who looked very beat up, said, "Silence, knave! Hand over the princess or that beautiful face of yours will be scarred forever!"

Agrias paused. "Wait wait wait wait. It's the middle of the night, it's raining, and I'm standing a good ten feet away from you. How can you see if my face is beautiful or not?"

The knight replied smugly, "I have knight vision."

Before Agrias could comment on the pun, Gaffy violently swings open the doors of the monastery, smacking Alicia and Lavian in their heads and giving them both a concussion.

Gaffy quickly observed the situation and stated the wisest advice his age could offer for the current situation.

"Kill them all! Don't leave any survivors!"

"That's just what Goltana wants us to do! Just let them go!" Agrias argued.

"Wait, what? Why would Goltana want us to kill his own soldiers?" Gaffy asked in reply.

"I DON'T KNOW! I'VE BEEN STANDING STILL ALL DAY! I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY AND I HAVE A BARNEY SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD!" Agrias yelled, blowing her top again.

"Uh... hello?" The knight complained. "Did you forget about us?"

"Oh! Sorry!" Gaffy said. "LET'S FIGHT!"

Suddenly, everyone started walking in place as some catchy music started playing. The screen was tinted brown and the words "Conditions for winning: Defeat all enemies!" appeared on screen. After a few seconds, the words dissappeared and were replaced by "READY!". A few more seconds and "READY!" disappeared and the brown tint went away.

Gaffy took a few steps foward and said an incantaion. "Master of all swords, cut energy! NIGHT SWORD!"

Gaffy swings his sword and and a giant eye appears above the knight.

"Oooo... Pretty lights..." The knight mumbled.

Then a giant sword shot out of the ground underneath the knight, violating him in every way known to man. And some ways known only to dolphins. A white 68 appeared above the knight's head.

"OH NOES! WHITE NUMBERS! GZJKGJKGLFKGLFKLDAAQIERWR!" The knight exclaimed. Then he died.

"Pssh. I can do better than that," Agrias boasted. She took a few steps foward and said an incantation.

"Life is short. Bury! STEADY SWORD!"

Nothing happened. Alicia stood from where she passed out earlier.

"You said the incantaion wrong again," she said. Then she passed out again.

"I mean, STASIS SWORD!" Agrias corrected.

A giant block of ice fell on one of the archers and killed him.

The battle continued, with Agrias and Gaffy spamming their sword magic and Ramza using his non-magic sword. Alicia and Lavian did not participate because they were still unconsious. Rad did not participate because he was a scatterbrain and got distracted by a butterfly. Eventually, all the enemies were dead, and they evaporated into blue dust for no reason.

"Good work, boys!" Gaffy said. "Now, let's raid the chemist's bags! He might have some joint!"

Suddenly, Ovelia scream can be heard from inside the monastery. "LET GO OF ME!"

"Fork!" Agrias not-curses.

Agrias runs into the monastery.

"Ouch!"

Agrias enters the moastery. Some Guy is attempting to kidnap Ovelia while her guards were distracted.

"Let me go!" Ovelia demands.

"Think fast!" Some Guy says as he suddenly Falcon Punches her. "What an annoying princess."

Some Guy throws Ovelia over his shoulder and walks to the end of the conveniently placed pier towards a bomb. And I don't mean the explosive weapon. I mean the classic Final Fantasy enemy. Some Guy puts Ovelia on the bomb and then climbs on it.

"Life is short. Bury! STEADY SWORD!" Agrias yells, attempting to stop Some Guy. Again, nothing happens.

"Don't blame me. Blame yourself or your inability to say the incantation right." Some Guy says as the bomb floats away.

Agrias falls to her knees. "Oh my inability to say the incantation right..."

On the other side of the monastery, Gaffy and Rad have begun their joint party. Ramza, who has barely said anything this chapter, faces the direction the bomb went in.

"Delita? He's alive. But why is he in Goltana's troops? Why? And who am I talking to?"

The cameara pans upward as it fades out, signaling the beginning of THE LONGEST FLASHBACK EVER.

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_**A.N.: Well, that's all for chapter one! Please review!**_

**_* = This could use a little explaining. You see, the first time I played the game, I misread Goltana's full name as DRUNKsmald Goltana. Thus spawning this poor joke._**


	2. The Dumbest Thieves in the World

_**A.N.: IT SEEMS A FEW PEOPLE LIKE THIS. TAKE NOTE THAT THE GENERICS WILL PLAY A LARGER ROLE IN THE STORY.**_

No pairings yet. But that'll change in a couple of chapters.

_FINAL FANTASY TICTACS_

_CH.2 THE DUMBEST THIEVES IN THE WORLD_

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**Military Academy's Auditorium**

In the room, there was a fine red carpet leading from a door to a podium (or whatever it's called). On the walls of the room hung several banners with the Hokuten insigna on the--

You know what? Fork it. If you want a description of the room, play the game. The important thing is that there were several cadets in the room.

A silver line appears with the words: 'Chapter 1: The Meager' under it.

Ramza: "Whoa. What was that?"

On the other side of the room,

Male Squire (Dietrich): "Hey, did you hear? Another wagon bound for Igros was attacked."

Female Squire (Susie): "Must have been the Death Corps."

Back with Ramza,

Ramza: "Something's about to start. Know anything, Delita?"

Delita: "No clue."

Female Squire (Ivory): "Geez. Don't you guys know anything?"

Male Chemist (Neal): "Marquis Elmdor of Limberry is coming."

Delita: "You mean the guy who owns the only White Castle in Ivalice? The one on all the way on the other side of West Ivalice?"

Neal: "Yes. Prince Larg is also coming."

Ramza: "That's news! It's not an official visit is it?"

Ivory: "Nope."

Ramza: "So, they need us cadets."

Delita: "How'd you get that from what she said?"

Ramza is about to answer, but then a knight walks into the room.

Knight: "Ow! Stupid room!"

The knight enters the room and walks to the podium. He turns around to face the cadets.

Knight: "Someone has been raiding my private pantry, taking all the food in it. Now, this wouldn't be a problem, but it's been happening EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! I'm running out of gil because I have to keep restocking it! If any of you know who it might be, let me know later."

Everyone: "Yes sir."

Knight: "Now that the immediate problem has been addressed, let's talk about the gang of murder-obsessed thugs that have just snuck into town."

Susie: "What kind of murder-obsessed thugs are we talking about?"

Knight: "The murder-obsessed kind. Duh."

Susie: "...OBVIOUSLY!"

Knight: "Now, let's just wait for the signal."

Just then, a female knight enters and says "...". Then she leaves.

Knight: "Okay. That was the signal!"

The cadets leave, making several squire shaped holes in the wall.

Knight: "... Doesn't anybody use a DOOR anymore?"

**Magic City Gariland**

Ramza chooses Neal, Ivory, Susie, and Dietrich.

A bunch of thieves (well, actually a few squires and a chemist) are sitting around playing cards.

Female Squire: "Got any threes?"

Chemist: "Go fish."

Ramza: "Uh, hello?"

Male Squire: "AH! Oh, it's just a bunch of kids! What luck! Okay. All we have to do is kill these kids. Then we can escape!"

Ivory: "Wait. Wait. Wait. Escape? I thought you were trying to sneak INTO Gariland?" 

Male Squire: "...OBVIOUSLY!"

He walks a few steps foward. Delita walks a few steps foward and stabs him.

Male Squire: "How'd a spoiled punk like you hurt me?"

Ramza: "SILENCE! SURRENDER OR DIE IN OBSCURITY!" (throws a chair at him)

Male Squire: "OH NO! A CHAIR! MY ONE WEAKNESS!" (dies)

The rest of the squires are defeated easily; with Ramza, Ivory, Susie, Dietrich, and Delita using their swords, and Neal tossing a Potion when needed. The chemist is all that is left.

Chemist: "You'll never take me alive! SHIA-KAZE!" (claps hands together)

The chemist explodes. All the corpses evapoate into blue dust. Ramza and the others find 2,500 gil, a Potion, and a Mythril Knife. The latter was given to Neal. The gil was used to replace Dietrich and Susie's Daggers with Broadswords. Ramza dismisses the two guys he didn't use and sells their equipment.

Neal: "Ramza. Don't you want to have a flashback of the day your father died?"

Ramza: "No."

Neal: "Good. No sense in wasting time with a flashback within a flashback."

Ramza: "Flashback? Within a flashback?"

Neal: "Never mind. Let's hurry on to Igros."

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_**A.N.: THAT'S ALL FOR CHAPTER 2! REVIEW!**_


	3. Info on upcoming updates for this story

_**I have rewritten chapter one. If you have read this story before September 14, 2010, please go back and read the new version. I also hope to have chapter two rewritten... eventually. I'm lazy, and have more important things to worry about that writing fanfiction. Sue me. But, once chapter two is finally rewitten, I will have a brand new chapter to go along with it. I'm thinking it'll either go up to Igros Castle or Dorter Trade City.**_

**_However, I need some ideas. Things like quirks for characters' personalities, jokes I can make, and any other suggestions that would be helpful. It has been ages since I played FFT, so my memory of the cutscenes is a bit blurry._**

**_Ideas are graciously accepted. Don't review this chapter. Please send me a PM instead._**


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